“You’re not depressed.” – me to also me

I think I’m depressed. I wish I didn’t know the word so I couldn’t think of it when I felt like this, then it would go away.

You’re not depressed.  

75% of my internal monologues and dialogues start with that phrase, sometimes just the single word. I think I’ve probably have this conversation about 1,000 times. I’ve probably written all of these words before. I think I’ve always been depressed but now I’m getting too old, much too old, to feel this way. It’s embarrassing. My emotions are very juvenile. I’m very juvenile. I’ll never be not depressed.

You’re not depressed.

I want to drink red wine in the afternoon. I think that counts as depression.

I think that counts as a drinking problem, or maybe sophistication. I’m not sure, but one of the two.

I suppose. Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe this is just want ‘being’ feels like. This is how I’ve always felt. This is the only way I can even slightly recall feeling. This is what it feels like to be alive.

– —

I wrote the above in 2012. March 30, 2012.

I want to address a few things I realized re-reading this ‘dialogue’.

  • I was depressed. I still am.
  • Depression can feel like being stuck in a loop or spiral of discouraging thoughts. The loop can be as short as a minute or as long as a year.
  • Depression does not look/feel the same for everyone.
  • Depression is not a symptom of youth. You do not ‘grow up’ out of it.*
  • Depression is not limited by age, income, or race. Anyone can be depressed.
  • Depression is not what ‘being’ feels like.
  • Depression is not what ‘being alive’ feels like.
  • Depression is not living.
  • Depression is not forever.

*I didn’t. Some people might.