Sleep – an ongoing game of chicken with the universe

I never want to go to sleep. Inversely I also never want to wake up in the morning (okay, let’s be honest, early afternoon). I could sleep all day, not straight through, I’m not a bear, which I guess don’t truly hibernate, so maybe I am! I would take a few pee breaks and wake up a number of times to monitor my progress. “2pm? I’m doing great!” I could sleep all day not because I’m tired. I could sleep all day because I don’t want to be awake. I don’t like being awake most of the time. It’s not my favorite activity and I much prefer sleeping to waking – less activity, fewer demands, no other people, no pants. Waking life has it’s work cut out for itself. I’d like to sit this ‘waking consciousness’ thing out. I’ll stay asleep. You all go on without me. My dreams are never that bad; they’re usually rather mundane – washing dishes, running late to work, getting lost in a funhouse, everyday activities. I could sleep the rest of my life away with few objections. I’d probably miss toast and TV but that’s about it.

I’ve been like this for awhile, perhaps my whole life but I don’t remember infancy. I used to sleep in until well-past noon as a child and teen. My parents let me. They talked about waking me up which I overheard because sometimes I was just fake sleeping to avoid the day. A sure sign of depression if it wasn’t for the fact that babies and adolescents actually do need more sleep than adults. You can’t have a depressed baby. I was normal! Except it’s apparent now that I wasn’t then and I’m still not today. I believed in my flawless 15 year old logic that if I just stayed asleep the world might end. I just had to wait it out. It’s an ongoing game of chicken between me and the universe. I’d stay up late hoping I can wait out the end of the world. If I never go to sleep, I never have to wake up. Stay wake and the universe will give up and move on. You’re stubborn. You can outlast an entire universe until its inevitable demise. It’s just dust; it’ll blow away soon. But the universe keeps winning and I keep having to get out of bed, but I never want to. I don’t want to deal with my conscious brain and my body. I don’t want to interact with other people’s brains and bodies either. It all just seems like too much work. Starting to sound more like depression?

I’ve tried to cast my affinity for sleep as an addiction or even a vice. “I can’t help it! I’m hooked on the Zzzzs! I have a disease! A dizzzeazzze!” My boyfriend tells me it doesn’t really fit the definition of either, but he takes a lot of naps so I have a feeling it’s just a situation of two junkies telling each other that they’re functional heroin users as if there is such a thing. But we’re different kind of users. He doesn’t excessively hit snooze like I do (we’re talking upwards of every 9 minutes for over an hour) or sleep in like I do, but he does take naps and fall asleep almost every time he sits on the couch. I don’t take naps. I already slept 12 hours, who has time for a nap? It’s like when you have a binge-drinking-weekend-alcoholic and start-at-8am-drink-all-day-alcoholic but they can’t see their own similarities. “At least I’m not like that guy. He’s an alcoholic.” We’re both addicted and if one of us quits we both have to admit we have a problem or break-up. Now it’s a game of chicken between me and my boyfriend and the universe. Everyday I wake up to find the world is still here and so am I, which means the universe has won again. I wake up a loser every morning. I’ve lost yet another game of chicken. Of course I don’t want to get out of bed. Who wants to start a day like that? Talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed. I wake up on the wrong side of the universe. Every. Day. Who will win in the end? Me? My boyfriend? The universe? Wake me when you find out. Actually, don’t, just leave me a note. I have sleep to do, just 9 more minutes.

Eternal Debate: Which came first? The chicken or the egg? Clearly the chicken. We all wake up chickens and cook ourselves some eggs as a small “fuck you” to the universe. I’ll get you one day, but for now, I’ll take it over-easy.

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